Going pheasant hunting in illinois has always been a tradition between my dad, brother and myself. I think it needs a little more "umph" behind it but i'm not really sure how to modify it so what do you guys think?
i think that the original sentence is definately an ok opener, but to make it more appealing, perhaps something more along the lines of, "Pheasant hunting in Illinois is a time-honored family tradition held by my father, my brother, and myself."
I agree. It needs more "umph." Maybe start with action. BANG! The pheasant hit the ground. "Good eye, dad." "Thanks, son." And then in your next paragraph introduce what is going on with "Pheasant hunting is our family tradition.. etc. "
2 comments:
i think that the original sentence is definately an ok opener, but to make it more appealing, perhaps something more along the lines of, "Pheasant hunting in Illinois is a time-honored family tradition held by my father, my brother, and myself."
I agree. It needs more "umph."
Maybe start with action.
BANG! The pheasant hit the ground. "Good eye, dad."
"Thanks, son."
And then in your next paragraph introduce what is going on with
"Pheasant hunting is our family tradition.. etc. "
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